THE RED PETALS OF LOVE

When you start to like someone you just pay attention to everything they do and say, and so did I. Every time!

I just was there watching him the whole time, his yellow hair , the perfect smile and the brown eyes.When he said something even if that was silly , I was there appreciating his daring beauty.

Then you can’t get enough of it, you want more and you do things you never thought you would have done , EVER.Like I did!

First talking to him, pushing him towards me to an innocent friendship , secrets you only tell your dear ones.It’s true he teased me , and his beauty got my mind and heart but as soon as I started to know him it just got better.Maybe I did not like all the things he did but I loved to see him passionate about anything , even his girlfriend! That did not got me jealous , perhaps it was because I am not an envious person.

That’s the friendship that I never thought I would have, but it only needed one moment and it stopped.All of it.I missed it , I really did but I got attached with other things.Concentrated with studies and other friends,family, things that keep your heart warm.Although, I was always interested about him.So suddenly whatever it was it started again , I don’t know how or what did we do , it just started.

It was good , I mean for me it was fine but that led me to wanting more, dreaming and wishing for more.I say that it was his fault for approaching with me , and then I remember I said no to him , THREE TIMES. The first one because we were little but the other ones were because of the imagination I had in my mind about love.It was all because I am a hopeless romantic female.What I knew about love was the writing and the recordings that others did in books and movies.

I lost myself , I said that I wasn’t jealous, after 3 years that was a lie.I was not envious of his girlfriends ,the moment that I started to be jealous was the moment he treated me like any other girl.When I felt him hugging me and after a moment teasing an other.He was never mine , but I wanted respect and maybe to be a little bit special for him.I was close to him at that time, indeed, but I would rather choose to be a little far and different for him then near him and just like the others.That’s how he knew what I felt.

I was so surprised by his words.When I told him that I don’t know what this was and what was he doing with me and with the other girls he didn’t get angry at all he just said :” Okay, is this all you have to say?” and as soon as I said YES he left.That hurt me the most.I was being selfish probably but I still don’t know I just couldn’t bear it.It hurt.

I had to apologize because he was precious to me, his friendship brought joy and happiness in my life and I couldn’t imagine it without him.But I still didn’t.

The same day , at the field with your dearest friends and thinking how happy you will be spending this day with them , I was so nervous because I didn’t know what to say.He was never bad to me even after what I told him he was there telling me :”What is wrong , don’t be sad !” in a sweet way like saying :”Hey come here with us , enjoy this you have nothing to be sad about”. After thousand and thousand thoughts in my mind about what to say to him I apologized for everything.I told him that it was all because I loved him.I told him the moments when I felt sad while seeing him being with females and that it wasn’t me instead of them.He responded with :”Stop, to hear you to say this , it makes me sad I never wanted to hurt you it’s just when I asked you to be with me you always said that we are just friends , probably that led me to feel that way !”

I didn’t want to be with him I just wanted to explain why I behaved the way I did.              We are still friends , he moved to the other side of the world but I try to keep our friendship close.

I don’t know if I loved him because love is just like a place I never visited but I wish I had and I wish I was still there , tasting it , seeing it , feeling her sand and playing with her waves.

I am fine now , I think that it was meant for us just to be near each other, talking and staring like we always did but never kissing , never touching the faces with our hands.That’s okay it really is cause I never regret making the first move that led me to knowing him.WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TOGETHER AS LOVERS , BUT I’M STILL IN HIS LIFE AS FRIENDS!That means a lot, to trust someone today and to be there just to talk to each other and not feel lonely in this robotic world where everybody has turned their feelings off and their phones on.

IT IS GOOD!

 

 

 

 

 

 


	

VANISHED DREAM SEARCHER

Today I woke up like any other day , with my weird dreams which I don’t know why I see and why they fade up so fast.

I never thought too much about dreams, I see them at night and the next morning they are gone.They’re like people,worry you at the start then push you away and after that they just disappear and leave you with that feeling :”Am I good enough? Have I changed somehow?”.

As days pass I keep getting those worries in my mind.It is all because of the people that I care about , and it’s that I expect that they care too.Then I think they don’t!Because even if I ask them the questions of my head they would respond in a way to make me think that I am okay , like I have always been and they are the best friends that you could never think you would have.

But there are days that I can’t explain how happy and grateful I am for all the things I’ve the privilege to have.It’s like in the summer , when you’re covered in sweat and you wash your face with cold water and suddenly your whole body relaxes.

I don’t want to change,I want to be me but a better version of me.I want to fix my issues , and I know that I’ll always have a lot of them but I intend to be good.All I ask is someone who will support me as I walk in that road, someone who will walk besides me and help me get through the worst days,enjoy the best moments,and always tells me the truth even if that hurts!

I know it is too much to ask.I can never be that important.I sometimes think that the people I love would be better off without me and wouldn’t even realize that I am not there.These are the moments when I feel like I am a different kind of a  dream, because I tell my message and I don’t push people to follow me but then they just forget me.

Although I will keep giving and getting those messages and I won’t give up until one day I find something that will make me happy for my entire life not just one day.That’s what you should do,find a way to happiness and to being the best YOU.Humans, at least the ones who are left , should keep searching to find their own way and to be positive.You can’t expect things to go better when you think worse that is why you should be real and shoot for the best.At least you will win something from it , I tell you!Even a moment of peace and happiness.