When you start to like someone you just pay attention to everything they do and say, and so did I. Every time!
I just was there watching him the whole time, his yellow hair , the perfect smile and the brown eyes.When he said something even if that was silly , I was there appreciating his daring beauty.
Then you can’t get enough of it, you want more and you do things you never thought you would have done , EVER.Like I did!
First talking to him, pushing him towards me to an innocent friendship , secrets you only tell your dear ones.It’s true he teased me , and his beauty got my mind and heart but as soon as I started to know him it just got better.Maybe I did not like all the things he did but I loved to see him passionate about anything , even his girlfriend! That did not got me jealous , perhaps it was because I am not an envious person.
That’s the friendship that I never thought I would have, but it only needed one moment and it stopped.All of it.I missed it , I really did but I got attached with other things.Concentrated with studies and other friends,family, things that keep your heart warm.Although, I was always interested about him.So suddenly whatever it was it started again , I don’t know how or what did we do , it just started.
It was good , I mean for me it was fine but that led me to wanting more, dreaming and wishing for more.I say that it was his fault for approaching with me , and then I remember I said no to him , THREE TIMES. The first one because we were little but the other ones were because of the imagination I had in my mind about love.It was all because I am a hopeless romantic female.What I knew about love was the writing and the recordings that others did in books and movies.
I lost myself , I said that I wasn’t jealous, after 3 years that was a lie.I was not envious of his girlfriends ,the moment that I started to be jealous was the moment he treated me like any other girl.When I felt him hugging me and after a moment teasing an other.He was never mine , but I wanted respect and maybe to be a little bit special for him.I was close to him at that time, indeed, but I would rather choose to be a little far and different for him then near him and just like the others.That’s how he knew what I felt.
I was so surprised by his words.When I told him that I don’t know what this was and what was he doing with me and with the other girls he didn’t get angry at all he just said :” Okay, is this all you have to say?” and as soon as I said YES he left.That hurt me the most.I was being selfish probably but I still don’t know I just couldn’t bear it.It hurt.
I had to apologize because he was precious to me, his friendship brought joy and happiness in my life and I couldn’t imagine it without him.But I still didn’t.
The same day , at the field with your dearest friends and thinking how happy you will be spending this day with them , I was so nervous because I didn’t know what to say.He was never bad to me even after what I told him he was there telling me :”What is wrong , don’t be sad !” in a sweet way like saying :”Hey come here with us , enjoy this you have nothing to be sad about”. After thousand and thousand thoughts in my mind about what to say to him I apologized for everything.I told him that it was all because I loved him.I told him the moments when I felt sad while seeing him being with females and that it wasn’t me instead of them.He responded with :”Stop, to hear you to say this , it makes me sad I never wanted to hurt you it’s just when I asked you to be with me you always said that we are just friends , probably that led me to feel that way !”
I didn’t want to be with him I just wanted to explain why I behaved the way I did. We are still friends , he moved to the other side of the world but I try to keep our friendship close.
I don’t know if I loved him because love is just like a place I never visited but I wish I had and I wish I was still there , tasting it , seeing it , feeling her sand and playing with her waves.
I am fine now , I think that it was meant for us just to be near each other, talking and staring like we always did but never kissing , never touching the faces with our hands.That’s okay it really is cause I never regret making the first move that led me to knowing him.WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TOGETHER AS LOVERS , BUT I’M STILL IN HIS LIFE AS FRIENDS!That means a lot, to trust someone today and to be there just to talk to each other and not feel lonely in this robotic world where everybody has turned their feelings off and their phones on.
IT IS GOOD!
THOUGHTS 